Guest Post by Kelly Harbaugh from Tabitha's Team Inc
When my daughter was a toddler in daycare, her caregiver, Miss Ann, always marveled at how "good" she was. Quiet and mild-mannered, my daughter was labeled "the little angel." Angel? She was quite skilled at the normal toddler tantrums at home.
As we progressed to the pre-school years, My daughter had the same teacher for 2 years in a row. She loved Miss Amanda, and always had a big hug for her. But never words. However, when Amanda came to our home to babysit, she was floored by the outgoing chatterbox who danced and giggled in front of her. She was in so much disbelief that she called her assistant teacher to witness my daughter's vocal chords.
Kindergarten came, and still no words for her teacher. Not even a whisper.
After much prayer, counsel from a friend, a talk with my pediatrician, and observance by the school psychologist, it was determined that my daughter had selective mutism.
Selective Mutism (SM) is a childhood anxiety disorder. When a child with SM experiences high anxiety, her body copes by shutting down speech. A child with selective mutism is usually quiet in public and social situations, sometimes even acting as if her body is frozen. However, at home and around family members, the child is lively and talkative, sometimes even bossy.
The most important thing to remember when working with a child who has SM is that selective mutism is a failure to speak, not a refusal to speak. A child with SM desperately wants to talk in social situations but cannot find the ability.
Treatment for selective mutism includes removing the expectation for speech (which increases anxiety), teaching the child skills to lower anxiety, and involving the child in frequent social interaction. Although there is no scientific research behind it, the general recommendation is to not homeschool the child who has selective mutism. On the surface, this makes sense. A child cannot learn to function socially if they are not involved in social situations.
However, those of you who homeschool know that social interaction is not about school. Although we had great cooperation from our public school, we made the decision to start homeschooling our daughter last year. This is what we found:
My daughter made tremendous social progress in the classroom. But the classroom just became another protected environment like the home. She was comfortable enough to talk when she really needed to in class, but she still could not interact with an adult in real life. I believe that school records that show the progress of a child with SM are incomplete. They leave out what happens at the restaurant, the bank, the store, etc. This is the real test of social progress.
Within the first two weeks of homeschooling, my daughter had some amazing real life accomplishments. She spoke to our neighbor in the yard. She told a brand new Sunday School teacher her name on the first day of class. She ordered her own drink at the softball field. For the first time in 5 years of schooling, we were seeing social progress outside of school.
Homeschooling has allowed my daughter to experience a wider variety of social interaction. She is with me as we run errands through town, paying bills, banking, or shopping. She was with me when I had to go to the garage and negotiate a car repair. She followed me through the process of voting in a local election. She is seeing everyday life and standing beside me as we deal with strangers. Life is not made up of 18 kids her own age who have been taught about her condition.
We still have a long way to go, but the progress is obvious. She recently attended her bests friend's birthday party. When I arrived to pick her up, I was told that she was the life of the party, laughing and telling several stories about her family and her recent vacation. Her friend's mother remarked, "I think homeschooling has been really good for her. It seems to have brought her out of her shell."
I think so too.
Note: If you are the homeschooling parent of a special needs child, I would love to have you tell your story here. Please use the contact form to drop me a note.
Thank you so much to Kelly for guest posting and sharing your story.
Kelly: Wow what an interesting challenge to deal with! I know how you feel– the school will ALWAYS side with itself and against homeschooling, particularly with a special needs child. I took my son out of school to homeschool him MUCH to the disagreement of the school that he would “suffer socially”. Quite the contrary, he is doing very WELL socially and isn’t being bullied on a daily basis, which was much of his social trouble in the first place. What they forget is what the special ed teachers will always SAY… “I wish I had more TIME with your child… If I could JUST teach your child one on one I could…” Well, WE CAN. Hooray for homeschooling!
Hi Dawn,
I love the fact that we can spend loads of time with our kids and give them what they need.
Blessings
Honey
Kelly, thank you for sharing our story. I, too, have experienced selective mutism with my own child after a traumatic event. It was through close work with a specialist that we were able to lower the anxiety level and move forward. Our professional used EMDR on my daughter and the results were phenomenal. While we still have certain situations that create high levels of anxiety, it is through being homeschooled and in an environment that is loving, nurturing and protective that my daughter has thrived and flourished.
Homeschool is not the enemy. It may actually be part of the success!
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Hi Sara,
Thank you for taking the time to read and post a comment. It is nice to know that we can love, nurture, and protect our children in a different way when we homeschool them.
Blessings
Honey
What I great post. I was ignorant about selective mutism. I can see how homeschooling is a great choice.
Hi Terri,
Thank you for taking the time to read and I am glad you were able to see a new perspective.
Blessings
Honey
Thanks for the comments! Dawn, I hate that you had so much resistance in making your decision, but I know it happens. In our case, the school was very supportive both while we were there and after we left (we had a really sweet principal and the two of us still communicate at times).
However, in general those who treat selective mutism recommend staying in the classroom. Dr. Shipmann-Bluhm (I hope I am spelling her name correctly) is a specialist in this area, and I appreciate the way she gave her answer to a parent who asked on her website. She first gave the disclaimer that homeschooling was not very common where she lived and that there is no research about this, so the reader should remember that it is “not scientific” but “just what she thinks.” Then she advised against homeschooling, but only because of her concern about social interaction. It was very clear that the answer really hasn’t been explored.
Hi Kelly,
Thank you so much for your guest post. Thank you for sharing your struggles (and triumphs) with me and my readers.
Blessings
Honey
One of the reasons I homeschool my own children is my own experience with selective mutism and ADHD. The classroom isn’t an appropriate setting for children who need more time and flexibility to grow into social interaction. I needed the confidence that came from having my family close by for many, many years longer than most children do. I’m far too tired to go into it right now, but suffice it to say that SM can be grown out of, and ADHD is not a disease. It’s a personality type that doesn’t thrive at a desk! (my opinion. YMMV) All children have special needs. Some just happen to be less compatible with the system we’ve got. :0)
Hi Cindy,
Thank you for taking the time to read and leave a comment. I would love to hear your story and if you ever need a place to tell it, you are welcome to here.
Blessings
Honey
Cindy,
It sounds like you actually dealt with this yourself growing up. I would love to read more about your experience. If you ever write about it, tweet me or something:) As parents we are always wondering what it feels like from the inside and what our children need.
I’m sure I’ll write about it eventually. It’s a little bit painful to think about, as you can imagine, but I do have a lot to say, if I can just make myself do it.
Oh, my. I butchered Dr. Blum’s name so badly I wanted to come back and correct it and put a link to her site. Dr. Elison Shipon Blum specializes in treating SM.
Thank you for sharing your story, Kelly. I’ve considered homeschooling my daughter, who has SM, and is in 2nd grade now. Bella has made tremendous progress outside of school, but is stuck when it comes to the classroom. I was advised not to homeschool for socialization purposes as well as the concern that it would cause Bella to be more dependent on me. But my experience has been that she does very well in the summer when we’re together- much better than she does while in school! I’m so discouraged by how institutionalized the kids are in school, and the lack of creativity in schools. It’s a hard decision though- I don’t want to set her up for failure later on when it is time for her to enter the school system.
Hi Dria,
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I appreciate it. When your child has special needs and you are making the decision to homeschool, there is so much that needs to be factored into the equation. It is not a simple decision. Let me know if there is any way that I can help.
Blessings
Honey
I too have a daughter with selective mutism and although the school is trying hard to “accomodate” us and help us, I have been considering homeschooling. This post really touched me because I know the joy you must have felt as she began to speak to people outside of the usual. Everyday is a battle sending my daughter to first grade, not knowing if she will be ok, since she has no voice there, and has never spoken once in the school, to any children or teachers. I would love to correspond more and follow your journey, and most likely will start a blog about ours. Thank-you!
Ruby,
I’m glad to know this was helpful. I remember trying to find information about SM and homeschooling, and really found none. So my intention is to start the conversation. If you move forward with homeschooling, a blog is a great idea; the more of us there are sharing, the more information that will be available to searching parents.
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We have been homeschooling my daughter with SM as well. This is our 3rd yr. My daughter has made some improvements but not as much as I would of liked her to. She will still not talk to any strangers but will now talk to family members and people she knows really really well. We recently had a baby and made the decision to send our 2 daughters back to school to try it out as its really overwhelming to school them at home right now. I feel really bad for sending them back to school but not sure what to do at this point. I would love to follow everyones stories on this. I would also like to know what things you are doing at home to help your SM child. We were doing speech therapy and play therapy at one point but our insurance said it wasnt medically needed so stop paying for it. She can get this service through public school if we keep her in. I am curious to know if anyone else has there child do speech therapy and if it helps? Would love to hear more on this topic.
I am so happy to find this website. My daughter is 8 years old and suffering with
SM. She attended public school kindergarten through 2nd grade. The staff there had no idea about SM. My daughter shut down totally in school. She would not speak to anyone and would not even ask to go to the bathroom. She would cry at night, not wanting to go to sleep because of the dread of school the next morning. I had to really pray about what to do. I am now homeschooling her and we love it!!! She still has difficulty but we take it one step at a time. I do get frustrated with the school system…they have no idea what to do for your child. They made me feel dumb at times as if I were babying her and needed to let her grow up. THEY HAVE NO IDEA!!!